Five weeks ago, on February 8, I looked up into an ultrasound screen and marveled at the beautiful sight of my nine-week-old baby. The technician that day showed me something I had never seen before; she used a feature that highlighted the blood flowing through the umbilical cord right into a bright-blue central area: my baby’s heart, beating at a vibrant 161 beats per minute. It was amazing.
About two and a half weeks ago, on February 27, I again found myself looking up into an ultrasound screen, but listening in numb disbelief as the midwife turned to me and said, “I’m sorry.” That heart which had beat so strongly two weeks before…had stopped. The image we now saw on the screen was merely the empty shell of a person who no longer lived inside me.
Countless emotions have coursed through me since then, but in the end…
I know that God is good:
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
Psalm 103: 8, 11-13
I know that this baby’s life was always in His hands:
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
And I will praise the Lord in His sovereignty:
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
Hallelujah…”Praise the Lord”